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August 9th, 2009
04:15 pm - A letter for you..
Friday, august 7th, i attended THE blink 182 concert. on august 7th, i was made a happy fn girl!. They were amazing, tho i got sick n missed the first like three songs. it was brutal but i loved it. FOB ruined it tho.
i wish i could tell you that things have changed. shits diffrent n it might never go back. but everythings possible. if you believe it. if you walk into a bar n tell yourself, that boy, at the end of the night he'll be mine. look at him, vision it believe it. then i promiwse that boy is going home with you that ngiht ;) if you want of course. everythigns a game, sometimes you need to act, sometimes u gotta be sneaky, sometimes you dont even have to do a thing but smile.
heartbreak...worst feeling ever. it sucks so much, how do you get over it? you take it all in, you sulk n cry your eyes out. then you go out n act depressed, get home n sulk some more. start chilling with friends n do things that are fun n exciting. start going out more. think about it n get sad over it, but u still go out anyways. regain confidence, you actually dont need him. you actually can have fun with just friends. wow! im having a good fucking time, chill with friends. eventually, your confidence will get more high, relalizing u can have fun, n ur loved by so many friends!. enjoy it
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July 25th, 2009
10:23 pm - don't trust a hoe, never trust a hoe
Okay, I have so many thoughts in my head at one moment, its too hard to bare. Thank you for livejournal, where i can organize my thoguhts, n let out my anger in a more human way. If i didnt my parents would ask why im such an animal, and tell me this is what the drugs are doing. Like someone cant have a bad day? When someone isnt having a good day leave them beeee! fuck!
I wanna write about so much more n share feelings, but my live journal is public to certain individuals that shall not read my feelings for certain reasons.
Im at my grandmas house btw, and Im bored as hell. I just wanted a rigs in my sisters car, cuz i was stressing bout this kid named david. i know david will never read this. maybe because his names not david. but kay so i have a best friend named mary, n david thinks he can get with mary, but the thing is, its not happening. or atleast i pray to god it never happens. hes selfish, he needs her alone. he needs to cockblock everyone from her. he needs to go to her place at night when she doesnt even fucken know so he can see her, n no one will be with her so he can have a lone time. its fucked up, its fucked up cuz he has a girlfriend. gtfo DAVID!!!! youre being retarded, n you owe me weed.
youre nice to me, when mary tells you to be, so suck my dick. n you still owe me weed. im so annoyed of this. mary''s my bestfiedn n i love her more than ever, n i want her to be happyy. david isnt breath taking. he cant sweep her off her feet. if he does, ill probably cry cuz ill never see her, cuz now theyre obliged to alone time, n she WILL be going to his place alone. oh goddd, please mary dont.
Davids in the top 3 ppl that scare me that will take mary away as my best friend. where shell forget n have no time. weve known eachotehr for 6 yaers now i think, n well shes awesome. ...she might actually see this if she comes on lj, i hope not.
I feel a little better now that ive ranted, but i still wish david could just go home, n i wish ppl would fucken care. I feel like everyones being so selfish. or maybe thats just david. frig that guy is gonna be the death of me. i wish you all the best mary, n david GTFO.
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July 7th, 2009
10:23 pm - Don't hate the player, hate the gamee..
First off, it is exactly a month til the blink concert <3 n ive never been more excited. veryones been hating cuz i smoke a lot of dope, but they dont understand. I can go days without it. I'm not addicted, I dont need it for everything. It is like music for me, i love it, the way it makes me feel. It lets you jam. I don't have a problem. Mom I don't need rehab. I'm living life, lovin summer, thats it. I still go out looking for jobs, im enrolled in school in the program i wanted, with the grades ive achieved. Am i really doing that bad? I dont think so. Sure i go out a lot, but i dont have a job n its summer, what did everyone expect? N if you smoke weed, n you smoke just as much as me, then dont comment and tell me shit. DO NOT be a hypocrit.
Samantha Ronson be my girl ..<3
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June 11th, 2009
05:59 am - LOVE NOT WAR <3
hello life, where have you been.
so its 6 am, i havent slept yet. theres so much i need to accomplish soon, its stressing me out.
i really miss my friend, weve been so distant n crazy to eachother i wish it didnt have to be like this. i understand sometimes i say things that may come off mean, but i really dont try. I would never wanna hurt someones feelings, especially a best friend. i wish she wouldnt be so mad <3. i met a boy n i liked him, but everytime im high i see him realy weird like. its almost scary, it happens with certain boys. n i always see ppl gay. i want a girl. im on a job search, i wish it could be easier lol. 1000 ways to die is jokes.
ive been writing a song n i think its gonna be my best. i dont think id ever be able to sing it live tho lol. its good. i wanna be who my parents want me to be, but thats not who i am. i just wanna suck it all up for them, to make them happy. i keep fucking up with everything. my parents, my friends, my jobs, my decisions, my actions, my life. my friends always yell at me, cuz maybe im retarded. i wish i could please everyone n no one would yell at me, or be angry or frustrated or dissapointed. my friends do things sometimes, but like i ty to forget it, cuz i dont want to get pissed over little thing i dont want to be mad at my friend! ppl do shit, shit happens. i apoligize like 10 times a day, to so many ppl. you try so hard to please everyone but yourself, n it makes you happy to see everyone smile, but sometimes in side it hurts, cuz you hafta suck life up sometimes u hafta learn to laugh it off. i try, but it gets to me. its normal of course, but sometimes i just feel like ill never be able to please anyone, n ill never be able to please myself. pleasing myself doesntmake me happy, pleasing others doesnt work, so what do i do?
i just want peace thats all. may it be peace in my life, in ones life, in our lives, in their lives. just give peace a chance, theres no need to fight.
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May 24th, 2009
12:23 pm - money CAN buy happiness...
Purchases:
New cell/ life without a phone is just TOO difficult. im starting to feel lonely.
New guitar/
New deck/ skateboarding deck. maybe it isn't the board, but lets say it is lol.
New clothes/ summer is here, gots to look fly.
New iPod/ where my ipod went i'll never know. i most likely left it at a friends place.
New laptop/ get a laptop, hook up my editing software, get amped for school.
New job/ it is not a purchase but i need one asap, or no purchases will be made lol.
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May 22nd, 2009
05:47 pm - Updates Live
I walked 3 hours from Abbott to get home. Never again.
I'm downloading music, music is seriously a drug. Blink 182 may 30th tix on sale! I want to see rancid n paramore n acdc n so many more bands!
School is done, and im so excited :) I'm looking for a new job.
Im gonna buy a new phone, print some cvs, get workin.
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April 25th, 2009
07:18 pm - Gahhh
So much homework, so little time.
READDD.
TYPEEE.
RESEARCH!!
ps: do not procrastinate
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April 12th, 2009
09:15 pm - Money money moneyyyyyy
Loblaws working. First pay,..stoked on life! I hafta pay so many people back though its so sucky.
No one works tomorrow n my friend cant stay til 1 oclock. like fuck you. No wonder i dont want people ever coming over.
CONCERT LISTINGS :
Paramore
ACDC
Rancid
Kiss
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March 31st, 2009
11:02 am - $1.31
How to have fun, on a buck thirty one.
The new best seller, thanks to phil. Life has been so chill lately, and I wonder if its cuz ive been smokin weed. Probably. Just been livin it up, I started work. Loblaws Deli. As long as I have money soon, I don't care if im washing floors.
Everything has seriously been really chill. the only thing is it seems my marks are slipping, but I dont think its cuz im always smoking, I don't know. Even when Im high in class I seem to know what Im doing.
Orals today in humanities. Stokeddd.
I really wanna clean my room, but I cant seem to get myself to do it. And Im barely ever home with school. I go out early chill then go to school. Come home like midnight.
..I'm gonna miss you so much. <3
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March 25th, 2009
11:37 pm - Chillinnn
today was so much funnnn,
chilled at skatepark w/ friends.
nathaniel climbed the pc roof it was too jokes, I hit bong with greg it was mad chill.
Then no class to see fleetwood mac in concert. tis the life.
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March 21st, 2009
11:28 am - Just ain't that easy sometimes..
Okayyy, so last night i was a little too high to function. I thought my bag was on fire, n we were going to crash. N to be honest! We really could have crashedddd. We were going so fast, atleast I think we were. N then came my downer, n I was sooooo outta it. Sucked so bad.
I applied at loblaws n the esso yesterday. It felt so good actually getting out there n doing what ive been telling myself I would do. I hope I get a call back. I'm pretty sure I will. Making money, doing my driving lessons, school. It will be good. I feel like my life has been going on the right track, but then why do I feel like im failing at it? I dunno. Maybe cuz my mom is psycho bout everything. But i guess to have their daughter barely home, makes them worry. Atleast tho, im doing really well in school. N thats like a huge thing right now. 6 months til my license!!, I really wanna buy a car with my saved money. But not some wrecked one. Not down to pay repairs lol.
I can absolutely say I dont liek anyone at this point, which is a good feeling. A feeling of reliefff. Its jsut too stressfull, n I get so confused.
If I get a job I'll be going out a lot less, so that will be good too. Not really for me I like going out, but for my parents. I guess I should give them some respect, I mean im living in their house. I dont make the rules.
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March 5th, 2009
12:58 pm - Scheduleee..
Ok so let's see, ..
TODAY:
Clean room,
Print cvs,
Change my coins,
Get loblaws ap,
Read more of high fidelity,
Be back at 1 am. lol.
TOMORROW:
Hand in loblaws ap, with cv.
Gym with nick,
Driving at 3-4.
Unity for kats bday n katrinas.
Get money.
I'm really not gonna do half these things lol. But I BETTER.
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March 2nd, 2009
04:18 pm - Chillinnn
Joey,
Chris,
Danny,
Brandon,
Nick,
Michael,
lolll..i love joey, hes chill, n i could totally date him. Chris hes just so perfect. Danny, perfect fun times. Brandon i want you but you complicate shit. Nick you want me, But youre my friendddd, i cant hook up with you anymore. Michael, Im pretty sure you like me, but youre like a bro!
Girls, not many lately. one girl recently foudn out she likes girls!!, n ive crushed on her foreverrr. Ive been smokin a lot of weed, i guess it kinda rocks to not bad trip lol. but i cant over do it!!!
joey wants to take me golfing <3
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February 27th, 2009
06:54 am - And you are?
Wuudduuppppp.
Whens the last time i wrote in this mofooo? No clue. Marchhh break fuckahhh. Yesterday I had fitness, n today im wreckeddd. Soreee like crazee. I was also told im extremely immature, n well i've been kinda thinkin bout it since. I've come sucha long way since first being told that. Changing my whole self. N yes at times arent we all immature? I know when the matter is serious, its not the time to joke. I know what is right n wrong. Sometimes Ill do the wrong thing, but I consider it all a part of life n learning. And Im learning my lesson about a lot. "Everyone i've ever introduced you to has been like wow that girl acts like shes 12" You know what. First off, who the fuck are you? second off you dont know me. Dont judge me based on a single encounter. N third off, seriously who the fuck are you. Im so sorry ive embarassed youuuu, n acted oh so young. Oh wait, i just turned 18. like what? 2 months ago? I go to school, I do amazing in school. I study when needed n do al my work. I am constantly online aplying for jobs n updating my c.v. I've ben reading a lot lately. N simply going to school, maybe going to eat after n thats it. Sure sometimes I come home later than i should, maybe sometimes I make a choice to smoke. I was on add pills, and smoking was wrong, n made me trippp. i stopped the pills n for like sudden closure to never smoke again i tried it. it suckedddd. n i learn. Oh and lemme make this clear. When i text ppl shit like "shud i fuck him" "shud i smoke" sometimes i just simply text to text. I really appreciate the opinion, but im not an idiot to know its my decision. I like hearing opinions everyones point of views. It fascinates me lol. haaa that was lame. But for real. Like fuck im not an idiot. Like ive really had it with this whole immature thing. why not change right? but the thing is, i wont change for anyone. N you think u know shit, but you dont. I'm 18 man! This is the time to make mistakes, n learn from themmmm. Let me live. Though I wont be happy with consequences or results, but now I know. N now I move on. I'm a hyper person ive always been, deal with it.
Today I'm getting a job, no questions asked. Job day, school night. Mature enough for you?
Im not trying to harm myself by smoking. Things have been good lately. N well sometimes things suckkk, n you complain. So what! Tell me to stfu. Nuff said. n ive fucked up for my rents not to trust me, n trust is hard to gain back but i will. Cuz oh wait..im not a fuckin idiot.
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February 19th, 2009
07:56 pm - Blink 2009 has begun.
 
 
♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥
(08/02/09)
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February 15th, 2009
04:55 pm - Let me in, Let me out..
I'm so tired of it all. I can't stop thinking how my life has become a jail cell.
People think, oh you do wtv u want!, youre allowed out!. I'm allowed out, if im like shaperoned. If i get texted every second of the day, if its with a friend they like, or havent assumed the worst of. I'm just gonna end up repeating myself, how i hate these pills.
I ask to go meet my friend for coffee, my mom flips out. Like are u kidding me? Fucken COFFEEE!!. I hate what they think I am. I hate what the pills have made of my life.
Things are all over the place lately. I don't even know what to write. I'm confused, I'm sad, I feel hurt, I feel alone. I get drunk wednesday, come home stumbling knock over shit. yea that was bad, I get it. N why i get yelled at is cuz "I cant drink on these pills". Fuck, I wont be smashed at age 25 or 23. I'm 18! The year to have some fun! REsponsibly and I always do; With a way home. But no..and ppl ask why was ur sis allowed to do all these things, and now I think maybe she wasnt on pills!. FUCKK. To think If I could have the courage to tell my mom sister or dad, I like girls, not sure bout boys, but I do like girls. To think theyd probably cry. Another thing I did wrong. I get yelled at for watching a tattoo show, while my sister has like 7. I'm not even planning on getting any soon, I like to draw, I like to see the designs. Maybe it's just me, and I am doing everything wrong. Maybe its just the way its supposed to be.
Where did it all go wrong,
When can I say I truly belong,
Where will I end up,
When I've finally had enough...
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February 9th, 2009
09:08 am
08/02/09.
BLINK 182 IS BACK.
THE MOMENT WE HAVE ALL WAITED FOR. I COULD NOT BE HAPPIER. LIFE IS PERFECT.
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February 3rd, 2009
11:54 am - Close your eyes, breathe..
My entries just don't stop!
Still no sleep.
You always think you're over somebody til you realise the whole thing itself is over.
Then you miss it, then you regret it, then you wish it all came back, then you wish it never happened.
Then you realise; why would I care so much anyways. Letting go is never easy, but sometimes there really is nothing more to do. You don't want to keep watching the tears fall from your cheeks. You don't want to spend your day thinking what ifs, why, wtf.
It's just the worst when you truly believe youre over them, then one little memory makes you realise how much you care about that person. You want to let them know you care, you want to be their friend but; sometimes not even that is possible. Letting go is really the only thing. You try to figure out so many different options but forgetting, but sooner or later, it won't be worth it. Even if you think it is. So you set aside the tears that fall, you close your eyes and think, never regret something that once made you smile. You hold back tears,take that one last look at how it was, say you're sorry even if you never did anything, and..
Just.
Let.
Go.
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05:13 am - A chance, A dare, A trip with my nightmare..
Fliippinnnnnn 5:23am, school at 7:00pm, no time to take naps.
Haven't slept yet, I'm exhausted, but can't sleep. I hate you ADHD pills, and your stupid stupid side effects. Adhd pills, anti-depressant pills; yet I feel like they are ruining my life. Yet theyre supposed to make it better.
18 years old couldnt even drink, cuz you can't mix the pills with alcohol. Do weed, bad trip cause of the adhd pills and combining. Can't sleep now cuz I took the adhd pill too late. Oops I forgot to take my anti-depressant pills, ohhhh side effects of forgetting, yayy fever, yayyy puking. My mom won't let me sleepover at friends places because "No, you have to have your pills you need to be home" ..omg. All the stupid side effects, and consequences, of what being a teenager, have just ruined everything. My mom has no trust for me, thinks im gonna bad trip every time I walk out of the house. One of my firends are with me when it happens, all of a sudden they are labelled "bad influence". I can't stand this anymore, and I can't get off these pills cuz its the winter, and i could "relapse". I'm gonna relapse being on these fucken things.
It's been like what? 2 years almost. This is getting ridiculous. So ridiculous everything! I'm even thinking about the cutting. I want to when I'm angry. Sometimes to feel pain so I don't hafta feel another emotion. To feel stranded in this house, to be treated like a mental patient. I won't cut again,..would I? I hope not. Maybe they did help me some how, or things just got better. But everything has gone crazy being on these. And now I'll never get moments I wish I could have back. Being able to drink on my brithday without having to lie to my mom. Sleeping at a friends place without my mom saying I need my pills, or I'm gonna do drugs n bad trip. End up in the hospital, because of one joint. Having pills in my hands to double up and get a high from. So smart to someone who just told you she'd use pills to o.d. Having fevers liek every week, because what? I slept in and forgot to take it. Even my body can't take this shit.
Great, I have a huge life experience I am overcoming, somewhat?. I've had enough tho now. I want to be 18, I want to drink, I want to crash at friends places, I want to be able to fucken be out past fucken 11, and not have 80 missed calls, n assumptions of everything but what I'm doing. I want my flippin parents to understand and get in in their head they don't know me or my friends. My mom especially; Thinks she knows everything, you're wrong, deal with it. I've been doubling up my adhd doses, to get highs. It feels good sometimes. Yay for pills that make things fucken worse!!!.
Bad tripping at school!!, having my fave teachers carry me, and call my mom. All because of adhd pills, took one too many, not even aware. That made school awesome!!...sarcasm.
I mean, I shouldnt be smoking weed. But I tried it, I wasnt ever gonna do it addictively.
N I guess thats the only thing I souldnt have done....but nothing wouldve happened if I wasnt on these pills. Teach me a lesson? More like hating the pills, and wanting to kill myself even more. Now my life is completely fucked up. I barely go out cuz half the time I have a fucken fever, not allowed sleeping at firends places, not allowed being out, not allowed going for like a drink with some friends, criticized, having assumptions made everyday, having your bagchecked constantly. Having to gulp down three pills every morning, have my mom flip the fuck out if I dont answer one text. HAving the past moments used against you, when they happened liek a year ago. No trust. Not being able to sleep. Everything sucks, I just cant cut to run from it. Which makes me more angry, resisting it. N then even more angry for knowing I'm thinking about it!
Now my life is like dependant on pills. If i dont take them everythign goes bad. Im edgy, fever etc.
N to get off lets go another year of gradually reducing the mgs. YAY more pills! fuck you.
You ruined everything. I know I cant blame them, and I don't. But they have a huge, they have more than half the impact on everything bad thats happened this year, and why my fucken life is the way it is. I should have never agreed to take these. Ruin my teenage hood, ruin my being 18. Ruin my going out, ruin everything. I fucking hate you. Maybe I wouldve gotten better without you. wouldnt have gone to the hospital n bad tripped. Maybe then Id realise life is fun. No...not with you here. You're like my parents. Controlling me, yeling at me if I dont listen. You just want all of me, you dont want me to be without you. You guilt trip me with fevers, and make me come back. But you're replaceable. I want you replaced with nothing. I want you gone!!, you've just made things worse, I hope youre fucken happy. I hope someones happy. FUCK YOU. You just always get what you want. Never what I wanted, because I'm jsut that sick little girl that cant make the decisions, cuz I'm "mental". I need whats best for me. Does this look like I'm at my best?. I never tried doing something that was so wrong. One joint, a drink when Im 18, sleep at a friends place, sleep in, double up my meds. You ruined it all. Was I stealing, was I doing heroine?, was I fucking guys n sleeping there?, was I drinking alcohol irresponsibly? NO. But you just had to fuck it all up.
Is this what makes you happy? To see me fucken mad?
To then explain Im so fucken angry, n tired of it all. To then Have more fucken pills of you!!
I get it now, I get your game. And of course now Im still the "mental" girl, now just more angry. I hate you. I hate ever meeting you, I hate ever having to give myself to you. I hate what you've done. I hate hate hate you. You're my worst nightmare. Let me wake up, please, make it stop now. Make it all just end!, but still things won't change!!, Now I'll be watched to be put back on it if it stops!. I'll be watched carefully incase I relapse. Things wont change now. You've ruined my future. I'm starting to think theres no waking up. Please, I'm stronger than you. I always was. You'll be gone soon, you'll be gone, before I am..
I hope.
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February 2nd, 2009
11:20 pm - Where's ma monehh att..
School was amazing :), i adore english.
Someone totally reminded me that Valentine's Day is coming up, I dont know how I feel about it.
Totally cute person in my class <3
PERMIT.
My sister has been like anti-me for so long now, I just wanna chill with her! She's always with her boyfriend.
So I guess things are downright, not bad. I don't really have any free time, but I guess that's good.
I owe people so much money it's ridiculousss.
I hope I can repay them all very soon!!
Everyone's been like telling me to shuttup lately, sometimes as jokes, sometimes for real. I don't even do anything wrong. I'm always the one people take their anger on if theyre having a bad day. Or I'm just easiest to blame, cuz what? cuz I won't say anything? Well sometimes it's just not worth it.
Sometime's theyre just not worth it. Haha ok, no emo remark to conclude this entry.
Uhmmmm, I LOVE READINGGG. :)
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